Regardless of the lineup, Coachella tickets seem to sell out almost instantaneously every year. Because of the festival’s popularity and diverse appeal, patrons are consistently willing to pay outrageously high prices for secondhand tickets – particularly when the event’s bill boasts such stellar names as Justice and Beyoncé. However, one man may have finally found the limit regarding how far Coachella-hopefuls are willing to go to procure a ticket.
Gordon is 56 years old and lives in West Covina. Tired of the rat race and oppressive expectations of monogamy, this mid-life flaneur has left his job as a Supervising Manager at buffet-chain Soup Plantation, as well as his wife of eleven years. Gordon (or “Gordie,” as he affectionately calls himself) has an extra Coachella VIP ticket up for grabs. He isn’t looking for money – he’s just looking to have fun!
However, the conditions that Gordie requires of the 19-25 year old female applicants he’s looking to attract may be more of a turnoff than a savings-draining price tag. In a now-removed Craigslist post, the festival philanthropist requires his potential companions to agree to some terms which are unsettling, to say the least.
A number of Gordie’s criteria are fairly reasonable asks for his sought-after VIP pass. Applicants should be willing to travel in his preferred mode of transportation, an RV. They should be fashion-forward and willing to contribute a Coachella playlist for the trip to Indio. Gordie is hooking the lucky recipient up with a free ticket, a free ride, and “snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches.” It’s fair for him to ask that she throw together a few tracks on Spotify and not grimace when he pulls up in his winnebago.
Things start to take a “Silence of the Lambs” kind of turn at his fifth requirement:
“Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.”
Sadly, this Buffalo Bill style demand is far from the creepiest of Gordie’s 20 conditions.
Some of his terms are chillingly creepy: “At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.”
Others are absurdly specific: “At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time.'”
We invite our readers who have gotten this far into the article without being undeterred by Gordie’s rules to read the text of the Craigslist post in full below:
“Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel ‘companion’ that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right ‘one’!
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that ‘I am naughty’.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that ‘you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time’.
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and as mentioned, an all expenses paid trip. If you think you’re the one, let me know and we can have a great time together. My name is Gordon and I am 56 years old from West Covina.
It may be worth it to sit this year out and just watch the live stream…
Via: Pass the Aux