“This mustache wax is a crock of s%*#!” The Bearded Man mused, as he tossed the half-empty tin onto the ground. It made a satisfying PING! as it rolled its way from his hammock over to the edge of the pool.

He’d been trying to get the corners of his mustache to curl up in an effort to appear more evil, but for some reason, no matter what he tried, he just kept looking sexier and sexier. For The Bearded Man, good looks were about something more than just a good body. Though society has largely believed that all it takes to be attractive is to have chiseled abs, tan skin, and perfect facial features, TBM had always been something of an anomaly.

Laying in the hot sun of Ibiza—and very much unlike the extremely stereotypically attractive topless people around him—our hero resembled a pasty beached whale more than anything. So what was it then that so attracted people of every age, creed, gender, and background to him? Why was it that supermodels had dumped multi-millionaire footballers just for the chance to be with him for one steamy night? Unfortunately, some of life’s deepest questions are fated to remain forever unanswered.

Some say his burly beard possesses mystical powers.

Those who know a bit more about him know that he’s almost certainly a product of the gods. Having been around since at least the beginning of cavemen without appearing to have aged more than a day in several thousands of years, it’s clear that there’s something magic about him.

If you didn’t know, you’d say he looked like Zach Galiafinakis circa 2008. Others believe the secret sauce is his pungent smell — that he possesses some sort of irresistible pheromone that can’t help but draw people in, like some kind of mythological love potion. Still, for whatever reason, here he was, both poolside and oceanside at the same time and judging from the crowd gathering around him, he was a regular Hugh Hefner at his prime. The air reeked of coconut oil and badly applied sunblock, and the music was blasting. Ron Swanson was busy taking notes.

Summer. Time to make the most of it.

Happiness all around, smles on every face, the scene was straight out of a commercial wherein David Guetta and Shakira were teaming up to sell you something. Nottingham boys Shelter Point were spinning chilled out jams on the decks, and Nick Martin kept insisting that he was ready for something… but what exactly? Jo. Cohen had just swooped in from Tel Aviv, and it looked like this party was just getting started.

The Bearded Man got up from his hammock, downed his drink, and hopped up on the diving board.

“CANNON BALL!!!!!”

*KA-SPLOOOOOOOOSH*

The CDJs were destroyed, the liquor stand was wrecked, and several models were forcibly ejected from the pool by the sheer force of the landing. Party over. Another summer vacation ruined.

The one thing that survived was the tin of mustache wax, but then again, that mustache wax really *was* a crock of s%*#.

The Bearded Man Blog + playlist is a guest post from the man himself. Follow all his sonic adventures on Instagram & Facebook and get down to this playlist of eclectic tracks while the summer sun’s still hot. 

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Tags: the bearded man

Categories: Music